Blog | Blackbird Family Yoga

A Humble Ode to Failure, Mistakes, & Missteps

Many of us are of the deep-rooted and persistent “Failure Is Not An Option” school of thought. We learned it at a young age. It was useful in that it taught us to apply ourselves in school, sports, piano lessons, interpersonal relationships, school plays, college applications, resume writing, job interviewing, work, parenting. But there comes a point in our lives where this school of thought outlives its usefulness. It starts preventing us from growth; rather than encouraging us to reach higher, it suggests that perhaps reaching higher would cause us to topple over. And nobody wants that, really – to topple over. But sometimes it’s just the thing, the beautiful, right, necessary thing.

I first learned to topple on my yoga mat. Never in my life had I leaned into the unknown. Never had I tried anything where falling/ failing was a possibility. I skied with the tips of my skis together for nearly a decade before allowing them to separate. (A teensy bit.) I went for the sure thing in all departments – from my personal life to the jobs I held. I only did things I knew I would/ could excel at. Because Failure Was Not An Option. Until it was.

Yoga took me upside down. I still remember my first yoga class – I couldn’t breathe in Down Dog. (Did you know Down Dog is a mild inversion? I don’t think of it as one, because the feet are on the ground. And yet it is.) I kept looking at the friend who had brought me to class with her, like, “Why can she breathe and I can’t?” I hadn’t turned my life upside down in…well, ever. I was looking at my life with a wild new perspective. And I couldn’t breathe.

This, of course, went away. I learned to breathe up, down, and sideways. I learned that, in fact, the breath is the only reliable vehicle to carry me through my life. I kept going upside down, literally and figuratively. I fell a few times – I still fall! (Boy, do I ever.) Because, friends, we can’t grow if we don’t reach, sometimes even overreach. The good, juicy yoga begins when we find that sweet place where we are leaning into the unknown while firmly rooted in the moment. It’s not reckless or fearless – it’s controlled, but with a sense of blossoming, opening. We are grounded, but we are also receptive to anything and everything coming our way. (Like I teach my little yogis, we keep a space between our Namaste hands to represent our open hearts.) We know that whatever happens, we’ll be ok. Better than ok.

If we’re really lucky, we’ll all fall now and then. We’ll lean far enough into the beauty of possibility that will simply topple. And when we do, we’ll get back up. We’ll ride the breath back up. We’ll call upon that divine spark inside of us to pull ourselves off the ground. Or we’ll look to the people all around us who want to help pick us up – some of whom we can’t even suspect would be our saviors (until they are). And we’ll reach even higher next time, because we experienced it – failure – and we survived.

The Gift of Now

So here we are, eyebrow-deep in the holiday season; this is that beautiful time of year that kicks off with a holiday dedicated purely to being grateful for the people and blessings you have in your life, and culminates in a holiday that is all about giving and receiving gifts to and from these people. Now, while I think I do a pretty good job of being fundamentally grateful for my life, I still struggle with one part of gratitude – and this ties in nicely to the idea of the holiday season as well – which is the transience of it all. The intrinsic impermanence. As a child, I remember feeling this odd combination of excitement and sadness as my paper chain got shorter and shorter, indicating fewer and fewer days until Christmas. For this meant that it would all soon be over – the anticipation of gifts, the yummy cookies and treats, the festive mood floating through everyone and everything in the month of December. In fact, I had a hard time enjoying Christmas Day once the morning arrived, because, well, it was over. Even while it was happening!

I recently realized that I share this trait with my 4-year-old son; last month, when it was his turn to be “Child of the Week,” he sobbed broken-heartedly on the last morning of his special week. Mind you, he still had that morning to be the star, to experience all the perks and excitement that comes with it. However, he was already thinking ahead to it being over. My first thought was that somehow *I* had passed this trait to him, but then I realized that it’s kind of universal, isn’t it? And then I read this beautiful Rilke quote, which got me thinking about it even more:

“I have by now grown accustomed, to the degree that this is humanly possible, to grasp everything that we may encounter according to its particular intensity without worrying much about how long it will last…If we allow an encounter with a given thing to be shaped by this expectation that it may last, ultimately it will be prevented from unfolding its most proper and authentic potential and fertility.”

I think perhaps it’s human nature to try to plan our stories out and make sense of everything – the timing of it all – as if “knowing” the story will make the ground beneath our feet more solid. When really, the sweetest thing we could possibly do for ourselves, for our own happiness, and for the happiness of those we love, is to learn to swim with the current. To enjoy the swells and dips and thrills and disappointments of any given moment. To be grateful for what we have, while knowing that we don’t really have it. To savor the sweetness of every moment, every bite, without worrying about how many more we will get, which will actually make the moments we *do* have even sweeter.

This holiday season – and for all seasons to come – I strive to give myself, and those I love, the gift of now.

Find your own face

I’m reading this wonderful memoir that is so beautiful in its poignancy, as only a memoir can be. I think I love memoirs for the same reason many people like Reality TV (although I am *not* one of these people!) – I love seeing the basic sameness of us all reflected in a verbal mirror. The common threads. This morning, I read a line that I have not been able to get out of my head. Written in reference to her relationship with her not-quite-yet-husband, she said: “Without Warren’s hands cupping my own face, I’m almost faceless.” Whoa. Without getting too personal, I think it’s reasonable to say that many of us tend to let this happen – to some degree – in our relationships. I think it’s also safe to say that it’s almost normal for this to happen, particularly because it takes such concentrated effort to keep this from happening! When you love someone, you want to wrap yourself up in them. You want to define yourself in terms of them, because this links you (parents, lovers, children) together all the way to the core. And if you’re a nurturer by nature, you want to give all of yourself to those you love…until one day, you wake up and realize you’re depleted. And faceless.

Yoga helped me find my face. It peeled back the layers and masks and revealed to me the things *I* like. The things I want and need. It taught me that we all need to save some tiny part of ourselves as sacred to just us. When you pour all of you into others, there’s no you left. And trust me…this ain’t healthy.

This is not to say that we should construct walls or need to withhold any part of ourselves in our loving relationships; rather, I feel we should take time to nurture ourselves, just as we do everyone else. Fill yourself up, too. Find something that is just for you – a book club, a weekly hike through the woods, a yoga class. Find a way to see your face without someone’s hands cupping it. Such beautiful faces you all have!

Give

I adore that cliche, over-used quote about dancing like nobody’s watching, singing like nobody’s listening, loving like you’ve never been hurt (and my authentic self feels comfortable telling you all that I’m a sap like that!). I’ve been thinking that there should really be another one added to it, though: giving when nobody expects a gift. Giving to anyone and everyone your little heart desires – your kids, your partner, your friends, your boss, your awesome assistant, the dude who makes your latte every morning, the people you teach/ work with, your students or employees. Gifts can take many forms – the spontaneous gift of your spoken appreciation and/or love; your beautiful smile, infectious joy, and contagious love of life; a simple card that reminded you of someone; a material object that you saw and knew someone in your life would adore; an invitation to dinner, a hike, an event; cooking or baking something and leaving it on someone’s doorstep; etc. etc. This sort of feels like a second part to my last blog about speaking your truth – because the greatest gifts come in the form of words, both written and spoken. But we all love receiving small *things* too – remember the last time someone gave you a gift? I have a lovely friend who always gives me unexpected gifts like this – a beautiful set of stationery, or a candle, or home-baked deliciousness. And every single time it happens I am over-the-moon delighted (I’m kind of a simple girl – my authentic self feels comfortable sharing this as well). I have another friend who sends random cards, and every time I open my mailbox and see her handwriting, my heart soars.

Giving gifts can sometimes fall prey to the ubiquitous “rules” that seem to govern adult society – gift-giving is a very tangible expression of affection, and that can be scary for those who are not comfortable putting that affection out there, without knowing that it’s reciprocated. But some of my favorite people on this earth are the ones who are generous like this. They give of themselves early and often. They don’t care if people think they’re eccentric or overly friendly…they don’t care what people think at all, actually. They are just living authentically, pleasing themselves in whatever way they can. So next time you feel the urge, give! Don’t think too hard about it. Eschew those silly “have-we-known-each-other-long-enough” rules. And don’t forget give to yourself, too!!

Introducing the one and only Joe Fred!

This guest post was written by Joe Fred Paprocki, who will be playing live at Blackbird TOMORROW, Saturday, November 12, from 1-2:30. (This event is called Family Musical Yoga; for more information, please visit the homepage or the events page.)

With all of the intensity and sensory overload involved with living in this time in history, it can be difficult, (especially for parents), to stay grounded in the heart. As a result, our children can take on our emotional baggage hampering their joyful growth both now and in the future.

For the last 20 years, I have developed quite a few “heart centered” songs…with my voice…with my guitar…with my piano…etc. After getting a lot of positive feedback about the heart opening experiences that people have had when listening to the music, especially in a live setting, I was inspired to develop music to play live within the sanctuary of a yoga studio during class.

My intention in doing this is to bathe people in a flow of loving musical vibrations as they move through a flow of yoga poses, so that the love energy can be absorbed and grounded in an “ultra absorbent” fashion.

Here is a comment that I received last week from someone who attended a “musical goodness yoga flow” class in Mt. Horeb:

“Listening to Joe’s music throughout yoga class was a magical experience I will never forget. His voice, words and vibrations filled the space and added an element to class that was inspiring. I could sense a subtle, yet powerful flow of energy moving through him that washed over me during my practice.

I found I was more fluid and able to flow from one pose to another with more grace and ease. I also felt more mindful of my breath, able to take fuller, deeper breaths, ebbing and flowing to the rhythm of his music. I can still feel the echoes from class and can’t wait to experience another musical goodness yoga flow class again in the future. Thanks again for reaching out and sharing your gift with us all.”

I am excited to bring this “musical goodness experience” to Blackbird Family Yoga on Saturday, November 12th… It will be a jolly good time for the whole family…guaranteed.

See you on the mat

Say it

Over the last few weeks, my mind has frequently turned to the concept of speaking my truth. This can mean different things to different people, but to me, it specifically pertains to giving voice to the feelings I have toward the people around me. With some of my people, this takes the form of telling them how important they are to me. With others, it involves speaking up about things that are hurting me or making me unhappy. Too often these important words get lost in the chaos of our busy lives, or alternatively, they don’t get lost, but rather they are not voiced for whatever reason: fear of being vulnerable, dislike of conflict, uncertainty about the future, or some other precautionary logic. As someone who has lived small and careful for most of my life, one of the biggest gifts I’ve discovered through yoga and parenthood (and living long enough to have more/ deeper life experiences) is embracing the emotions of the current moment. Every single emotion we feel – whether it’s fleeting or lasts a lifetime – is “real.” Some are beautiful, some are less than beautiful. Some feel great, and some are painful as hell. But they are all “true” as we’re feeling them. Granted, we can’t function in society by giving voice to every thought we have – think brutal preschooler honesty here (“That man’s nose is BIG!” or “Mommy, your tummy is wrinkly!!”) – but for the feelings that are big enough and deep enough, we owe it to ourselves to speak them aloud. I’m striving to give the good ones – the expressions of gratitude and love – as gifts to others, without thinking about receiving a gift in return. Just as I’m trying to give the less pleasant ones – speaking up about things that are bothering me – as gifts to myself. Ultimately, there is no score in the game of life. We don’t need to wait for reciprocity, for the “right time” to speak our truths. The only rules that apply are the ones that make you happy. And I’m realizing that the more I let myself feel, the more I tell my people how I feel, the more I win.

Dressing Up

Halloween is such a fantastically fun event – you get to dress your face and body in things you would not *normally* wear. Yet this year, when my daughter asked me what I was going to “be” for Halloween, I told her I was going to be a 36-year-old yogini mama wearing yoga tights and cowboy boots. Because the costume I’m wearing these days is pretty much the only one I want to wear.

Hopefully some of you out there will understand what I mean when I say that I used to *save* special garments/ accessories. I would buy things that I wanted to wear, that I loved, but felt like there needed to be a special reason for snipping the tags off such items. So they remained on their hangers, or in their shoe boxes. Untouched, unworn, unloved. Until I realized, not too long ago, that there doesn’t need to be a perfect occasion. Today is the perfect occasion. Going to the grocery store? Sure, why not. In fact, lately I’ve been sleeping in some of my favorite clothing, just because it feels so good and I feel so good in it.

Another reason these “special” items stayed in the closet is because I didn’t feel worthy of the attention they would bring forth. For example, my boots. My beloved knee-high cowboy boots with the birds and the flowers. Kind of obnoxious, in the very best possible way. I bought them years ago at some ridiculous end-of-season clearance sale. They are amazing, and make me inexplicably happy every time I look at them. And yet they would only escape from their box for a few moments a month, when I would put them on, look in the mirror, and decide, “Too much.” Too much what?? You know what I mean. In fact, this all reminds me of the great Marianne Williamson quote:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? … Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. … And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

I think I was afraid of the boots. Afraid of the luxurious, soft, beautiful clothing. Didn’t feel like I deserved them. You know what? I do. You do. We all do. Today! Not when you get that raise, or lose 10 lbs, or learn to cook. Right now. So go to your closet, snip the tags, and decide that today is the day you deserve it. I can’t wait to see what y’all are wearing in the grocery store tomorrow!!! Rock on with your gorgeous selves.

You are all you get

The concept of self-love is an undeniably fraught one, but we tackle it a lot in yoga. Usually just a comment here or there, don’t want to be too over the top, but you know. Thank your body, be grateful for its health and strength, blah blah blah. Things that are incredibly important to be reminded of…pretty frequently. But as I am wont to do, I’m cranking that up a notch in my personal life, and trying to find my path to complete and total self-love. Not just self-acceptance, mind you…I want to love my own damn self. All of me. The cranky, haven’t-had-my-coffee-yet-and-my-kids-are-bickering me, and the feelings-hurt-because-I’m-too-sensitive me. Also want to love the physical me, the perceived societal inadequacies and all the rest. I know we all struggle with this. I’m just now realizing this, that all you beauties who I marvel at when you enter the studio – your happy eyes, your beautiful smiles, your healthy bodies, your innate goodness – you might not know how amazing you are. Or you might know deep down, but struggle with that knowledge.

I’ve been reading a lot on this topic, and the thing that hits me the hardest is the knowledge that you – me – we – this is all we get. You can be anyone or anything you want to be, but you must find that within – and not without – because nothing else is guaranteed. You are guaranteed to stay with yourself as long as your body inhabits this earth. Nothing else – nobody else – is guaranteed to be with you. So go deep, look at yourself, ask yourself what you want, what you like, who you are. And then follow that bliss all the way to the end, and love yourself, and let others love you. Because when you love yourself? The whole world loves you. (Except the ones who don’t, and they don’t matter!!)

Transparency

I love transparency. Love when the answer is apparent, when someone’s soul is easily and immediately seen/ known, love when the world is transparent to me. And yet it’s something I struggle with personally, the whole “letting people see all of me” thing. Transparency is scary. There’s a huge vulnerability in putting your personal story out in the world. I’m a girl who has always relied on costumes and masks – I loved performing onstage for a reason! A good metaphor is that I love to dance – but only when choreographed. Yoga taught me to dance on my own, to feel my own body and move it where it wanted to move. But in an effort to move closer to transparency – which I really aspire to – I have to tell you that I slide in and out of that. I still need the choreography sometimes. And that’s ok.

My favorite yoga teachers are completely transparent; they assume no affectations or falsities in their teaching. They talk about their own shortcomings and the crap going on in their own lives. My very favorite teacher has talked about everything from her 1 year old peeing on her to dealing with her father’s death *while teaching.* And I love it all. She’s a mama just like me! We are all the same. I used to think yoga teachers had it all figured out. They were all so calm and peaceful. Here’s a little secret: nobody has it all figured out. NOBODY. We all have our sad stories to tell, our things we’re struggling with, our worries and troubles.

So be forthcoming with these troubles. Be honest. Especially as a parent, with other parents, don’t pretend like it’s all sunshine and roses. It’s not. Parenting is a dirty, difficult, emotional, exhausting job. It’s a lot like small business ownership And both are rewarding beyond belief. Parenting more so, of course, because creating and shaping little people and sending them off into the world is the most beautiful thing imaginable. But it’s hard. flippin’. work. And anyone who smiles and tells you everything’s perfect is full of it.

Be real. Be yourself. Be transparent, as much and often as possible. Be honest, with yourself and with the world around you. Most importantly, with the people who love you. Tell them what you really want to say. But first, take a minute to find out what that is. That stuff always comes to me on the mat (usually in pigeon pose or some other giant hip opener). Check in with YOURSELF. How do you feel? Are you happy? Why or why not? Is your partner fulfilling your needs? Are you fulfilling theirs? Just check in. And be honest. And then be transparent. It’s scary as hell but feels awfully good once you’re used to the water!

It’s in the Doing

“What we think, or what we know, or what we believe is, in the end, of little consequence. The only consequence is what we do.” ~ John Ruskin

This quote appeals to me for many reasons – I was first attracted to it because of the placement of the words “think” and “know,” and my brain read it as “what we think we know,” which is a topic I’ve been drawn to lately. But of course that’s not the intended meaning – that was just my subconscious layering it on there. The actual meaning of the quote is another concept I find very powerful, though – and important to both remind ourselves and teach to our children. It’s in the doing. We all have the occasional (or perhaps frequent!) amazing lightbulb-y thoughts/ ideas/ hopes/ dreams/ visions, and just having them is a wonderful thing indeed. But if we all DID something with them – maybe just one small thing like sending a kind word to someone you’ve been thinking of, or offering your expertise to someone who needs it – just imagine.

Because the other wonderful Ruskin quote I want to share with you is this:

“There is no wealth but life. Life, including all its powers of love, of joy, and of admiration…that man is richest, who, having perfected the functions of his own life to the utmost, has also the widest helpful influence, both personal, and by means of his possessions, over the lives of others.”

We need to “do” things in our lives to make our lives possible, ie., make money. But there are so many opportunities for us to do that compensate/ fulfill us in far greater measures, and in fact I believe these are the things that define us. So call a friend to tell them how beautiful you think they are, go for a walk in nature, make somebody dinner and bring it to them because you know they’ve had a crappy week. Write a blog, write a book, go for a run. Take a yoga class (although this one should go without saying, always). Offer to help someone write their resume, listen to someone’s physical or emotional troubles, teach a class/ offer a service pro bono. The options for making your beautiful mark in this world are endless. Do.

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